First time?

First times ... Man, am I overwhelmed with that thought.

This was supposed to be a blog about my experience as a first time author.  This week, I brought my novel out on Amazon, and my most loyal friend and mentor, the only one who actually followed through on reading and reviewing my novel, was going to transfer his review to Amazon from Smashwords.

And then I got the news that his son died.

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Words can never express what can only be spoken in the silence of the heart ...

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Can I truly be honest here? I have friends who are so brave and open with who they really are, and sometimes I feel like I should just do the same, be who I am, damn the torpedoes.

Liane is one of those people. She is deeply involved with a site that has been a lot of help to me, Humanity Healing. I hope she reads this.

Because here I'm going to say it. I found ... wow, the computer locked up when I tried to write this. So, maybe not the time to reveal my secret here.

I come from a Unity background. I was taught that there is only God. Darkness is not a force, it is only the absence of Light.

But then I saw the Darkness, looking back at me from the eyes of the man who had shown me the Beloved in those same eyes. I wanted to believe that was an illusion, or perhaps a reflection.

(See The Divine Glance)

I'm beginning to feel like I've been left behind, a rescue angel now in need of rescue herself, dying alone in the storm she was trying to pull others from.

I asked my Beloved to come to me, in some form I could love, as my healing partner, but the man who came to me denies his Self while he indulges his lowest desires. Everything I try to share with him of the higher planes, he rejects vehemently.

I'm not even sure he's the same man I knew from 28 years ago, and he also says he doesn't think so, but then he says he remembers me, just not coherently, because of his brain injury after Desert Storm. There are so many things that are so similar to what I remember, though.

He, himself, has shared angelic messages with me, from a friend he respects, but he doesn't seem to understand what he is telling me, that he is telling me he is not the partner I have been waiting for. She said, "I sent an angel to watch over you, but he came back because angels don't watch over angels," and "You must go through the storm to find heaven."

And yet I love him with such intense gratitude that I can barely contain it within my heart.

Spirit tells me when someone is lying to me, but I do not tell them this, for several reasons. First, there is no reason to confront them that doesn't come from the ego. They know they are lying, why tell them what they know? It only removes any chance for true confession and growth, trading it away so that I can feel superior and stand in judgment. Also, they would not believe how I know.  But there is another reason: it takes away the "Duper's Delight" -- that liar's smile, the one they can't hide, when they think they've gotten away with it. If they know I won't tell them when I know they're lying, they cannot ever indulge that glee with Satan (i.e. the Satanic consciousness).

I thought he was my protector, strong with archangel energy. Then Spirit told me that he lied. He admits that he lies. Do archangels lie?

I think of a scenario that is very close to me in this moment.  Imagine you are hiding a Jewish friend from the SS. Of course you lie to protect them. So, do archangels lie, when it is in the best interest of the one they are protecting?

Spirit whispered to me of a lie. It wasn't one to protect anyone.

I'm tired, Beloved. I can't do this alone anymore. Is it really true that I can never have a real partner who is like me? Are we spread so thin that we are not allowed to be together? Is this my life, mission after mission, loving unconditionally those who have no desire to know me and truly love me in return?