Reaching

I haven't done a blog here in a while, but I feel like I should get some things out of my heart and off my chest. Maybe it will help me get past this dry streak.

I've been fighting some depression, isolating. I like to call it a "chrysalis time" when I'm giving myself a break, but it doesn't really feel like it this time. I'm not sure I'm going to come out of this a butterfly.

My favorite DJ, on my favorite radio station, is Brant Hanson. Whenever I feel down, I can always count on him and Sherry to make me laugh, or just get my mind off my problems and on to caring for others. He is so incredibly honest about his perceived shortcomings – I say "perceived" because he always manages to give them to God, and God makes them a strength. And he can make fun of himself.

The down side of going to Brant for a lift, is then I compare myself to him. He has a beautiful, supportive wife, a great job fulfilling a wonderful purpose, helping millions of people. I've managed to help a few people here and there, but …

But...

I'm just feeling like I have a long way to go, and I'm going to have to do it alone. I know God is with me, but I want Him with me in form. I'm tired of being alone. All the "successful" people seem to have a mate standing by them, supporting them, encouraging them. I'm tired. And I know saying this makes me even less attractive as a mate. My sister mentioned recently that a lot of men "don't think about what they're bringing to the table," in a relationship. So I guess I'm realizing that I don't have much to offer when I'm in this place, emotionally, physically, spiritually.

I've already given everything I have to help others. What I didn't give, was taken from me.

Do I have anything to offer? I think I'm a talented writer, but... I've been watching Supernatural, and The Vampire Diaries, and Arrow, and Revolution... I would LOVE to be on one of those writing teams.

I ask myself: could I come up with stories like that? Not by myself, probably. But that's the point: they have a writing TEAM.

I don't even want to think about what this next year is going to hold for me. I've actually found myself holding back from getting too involved in story lines for my characters because I don't want to let my roleplay partners down AGAIN when I lose... if I lose... I can't even say it.

So, I want to be like Brant, here. I want to be honest. I'm having a hard time. I can't do this alone. I'm tired. I can't help anyone when I'm needing help myself.

Brant is a DJ on a Christian station, so he always leads everything back to the love of God. I know that love, but there are times when I feel so far from Him. So tired I can't even reach up to Him. Today is one of those days. Or maybe, it was, because I guess I'm reaching now.